CROSSROADS

I went to the birthday party of...Unsurprisingly, most everyone was there with a few new, unfamiliar faces. They talked about a lot of things, and as usual, I made my flurry of with jokes about it. I of course just wanted to have a good time at the party and not really make any more waves about anything that was happening with the lives of my friends. They were so engrossed with their new business. They shared the videos and photos to me and the guys, well, those of us in the writing group anyway. They later on brought out their guns and their equipment adn started shooting about and doing practices and what not, talking shop, and well, having a fun of it.

I didn't want to call it bragging, nor did I want to see it as showing me what I was missing. If I did not love them the way I did love them, then I might construe it that way. But I shouldn't. And at most I didn't. i saw it instead as the newest of crossroads and rifts that have criscrossed our friendships throughout the 15 or so years that we have known one another. This is what they do, this is what we do, and in the cause of celebration, we celebrate one another. But why did I get the feeling that they were celebrating more than we were, that we celebrated with them but they did not celebrate with us. It's sad how friends that I taught about guns and knives now tell me that they know more and relish the fact that they know more. I mean what do I know right? I don't know anything compared to what they know now with their toys and thier games. I'm proud of them, i am happy for them that they are doing what they like. I dearly love them. i just wish they would cut me some slack...asa.

BITTER IRONY

I miss you but I know that in the bitter irony of this life, I too am now being punished with the same thing I did to those who were with you. I was the fly in my soup. Just like it is with them, the one I am stuck with has a fat friend. Call it jaded, but that is the fact of the universe, a yin and yang. Every beauty must be equalized with ugliness. It's just a law of the universe. And this is the curse i gave and this is the curse I got.

I miss you anyway. I miss the way you gyrated and even the way you pouted. I miss you, every miniscule part of you. Every fleck of skin you lose I would exchange my life for just to own. I obsess of you. I miss you with every piece of my shattered heart. I miss you. I wish I was yours. I wish you made me mine. I wish.

There are just some things that I guess should not be. One of those things is us. You were mine. I was yours. I dreamed it for what it wasn't. You denied its very existence. Now we are older and wiser and my lie is still there. A regret the size of my hate.

I have grown old beyond my years because of you, and my biological age is still hard at work trying to catch up. I died that day you told me you were pregnant. I will not deny that. I am well into lichdom after the subsequent pains. If a soul could only die.