predator on crack - CROSSROADS II

I could easily be childish and petty. Cry and hold a tantrum because their toys are better than mine. But then I would just be doing what I have been doing all my life if I did. I grew up in privilege, but not priveleged enough by my standards. I thought I was rich because I was surrounded by so much squalor. Then I come to the world and see how poor I really was. I thought I had everything, when I realised that whatever toys I held previous and used to create envy in my playmates was but trash to my friends. What I kept precious they threw to the dogs whenever they felt it. In their eyes, i was the poor one. Maybe that is why I always tried to compensate. Whenever I could, I provided whatever I could. Bought for them whenever I could. Anything. But I knew in the end, the money would run out. Because my resources were limited and theirs was deep by comparison. I always had nothing compared to them. I am not ashamed to admit it, because it is the truth. No matter how much it hurts or how petty and shallow it sounds, it is the truth, and I cannot should not deny it.

Maybe that is always why I tried so hard to fit in, to do my best by them, to be allowed to be used by them, because I wanted to fit in. But I didn't i may have for fleeting moments, but even though my friends accept me for who I am, it is a matter of fact that I was always the sore thumb. Trying so hard to fit in. Trying too hard. Sacrificing my happiness, my time, my talents, my pride just to be accepted. But now, I fell so drained. I gave so much and I look at them in their success and I know that I helped them achieve it, that they are there because I helped them. I got my thanks, no need to worry about that. But now what? They are successful. And I am fighting so hard to not be bitter about it.

CHRISTMAS IN AYALA

Last mid August I was walking home from the office when I noticed a work crew with a crane in the middle of Ayala Avenue, first thing that came to mind was simple street light maintenance. When I got to take a closer look, I noticed that they were hanging something large and white on the post. It was the Christmas decor for the coming season.

It was then I realized that, oh, its that time of the year again. I thought to myself...now what? I mean its once again, another Christmas, another year end. All I could think of was, "By the gods! It's time to get depressed again! Break out the booze. Sigh."

Why is it that this product of Western marketing is the current evolution of what is supposed to be the very solemn and culturally rich celebration of Jesus Christ's birthday? Another evidence of the continuous decay of our Kayumanggi culture. Maybe it's time all of us rethought how we celebrate Christmas. Give everything you will spend, that includes the rest of you politicos, to charitable institutions. Real charity, not those morons you bribe with charity to vote for you every three years. Then maybe, just maybe you won't join me in hell someday.

This year I will not celebrate Christmas the way I always used to or tried to. This year, I will celebrate it like Christ did the day he invented it. Lying still in a simple abode with those closest to him, with angels singing to him, magi acknowledging him, and the simple folk thankful for him.

Mind you, I'm not trying to bribe heaven to save me from my damnation. I'm just trying to pass through this world with as little harm as possible. I know where I'm going, do you?

Merry Christmas.